Last night, on the new series “Here come the Newlyweds” (which I’ve enjoyed, although it keeps me up past my bedtime) the couples had to learn to tango… “the most passionate of all the dances,” as they introduced it. I would agree that tango is severely passionate, but ballroom tango doesn’t hold a candle to Argentine Tango when it comes to real passion.
But that’s not really what I want to talk about. What I loved was the commentary from the instructors about how visably you can see the true dynamics in a couple when they learn to dance. “You can see who’s in charge,” one said. It’s so true! I’ve talked with many couples that want to learn to dance, but say they fight too much when they’ve tried.
From my experience, it usually happens when a woman picks up on the instruction quickly (or at least she thinks she does), and gets impatient about letting her man figure it out. She begins telling him he’s wrong, or what she thinks he should be doing, and starts back-leading. (Back-leading, for those who don’t know, is where the follow won’t follow and goes so far as attempting to lead the lead.)
I loved the moment when the instructor told the man what to do, and the wife said, “yeah honey!” The instructor (sorry, not being a Dancing with the Stars fan, I don’t recall his name) sharply turned to her and said “One teacher. Me!”
“So true!” I cheered.
I don’t think I’ve ever made it through teaching a community-type dance course without pulling the follows aside at some point and telling them, “Don’t! As much as *you* get it, the guys have a lot to deal with here. The best thing you can do, for both of you, is to keep quiet and let him practice. If he’s doing it wrong, either practice your following by matching what he’s doing - he is the lead after all - or raise your hand and say I’m not getting this. Don’t ever blame him, even if it’s his fault. Your relationship will be thank you for it.” And even if the follows themselves are wrong, I don’t like to tell them outright. I find it helpful to stroke their egos as they are first learning. I, personally, would not have fun learning if I was told I was wrong all the time!
With the guys, I usually have to remind them that we all start somewhere, and yes. It IS hard - so don’t beat yourself up about not getting it right away. Remember the whole point is to have fun, stress ruins everything.
Patient communication is vital when learning something new. We all learn at different rates.
What advice do you have for couples who are trying to learn to dance, but arguing as they go? Have you had many dance-learning related arguments?
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*Photo by “tanguero” on Flickr.
7 responses so far ↓
1 Gidget // Mar 10, 2008 at 10:23 am
Back when my last boyfriend and I were going out, I tried to teach him basic east coast swing. It didn’t turn out well. I tried to be patient, but I really don’t think he even *wanted* to learn it.
My advice: if there’s a will, there’s a way…but there has to be a will. Don’t make the guy learn it if he’s not into it.
2 kait // Mar 10, 2008 at 11:03 am
lol… i love the instructor’s response there. my boyfriend and i, both avid lindy hoppers, thus far seem to get along just about everywhere BUT the dance floor! we’re getting better at working together, though, so it’s not a lost cause.
3 Amberlynn // Mar 10, 2008 at 2:11 pm
Yes, I once had a dancer boyfriend who I fought with constantly when we tried to practice. Turned out, we really weren’t all that compatible for dating, either.
4 Garry // Mar 10, 2008 at 2:39 pm
Amberlynn,
THANK YOU……!!!!!!
5 Garry // Mar 10, 2008 at 2:51 pm
As a lead, I am very self aware of my short commings . I either am boring with my want(need) to practice the move repeadily, slowly then increase the speed. I find my wife, a much better dancer, bored with the monotony of my learning. she wants me to try something else, instead of letting me initiate it so I can learn the transition she will back lead into it when she is ready. of course it dosent work out as I was not expecting and had someting else in mind.
I think also trust is a big issue, we were talking to one of the follows while having dinner (we had run into her there) about lead and following. she said something I really liked, ” the lead needs to trust the follow that she will go where he leads her, and the follow needs to trust the lead that he will keep her safe “.
I strive to become that kind of lead.
ps. Bruno is the instructor
6 Bernadette // Mar 18, 2008 at 1:22 pm
This is so, so, so true. I run into this all the time when I’m teaching, especially with follows who have some kind of dancing experience. It’s especially annoying when they start “teaching” their partner, distracting them completely, at the same time as you’re trying to teach them what would actually help in the center.
Sometimes I find it helps to point out that this is much more difficult for guys at the start. They have to dance, count, listen to the music, think ahead, and lead the girl all at the same time. The girls just have to follow, and since they have no idea what’s coming anyway, it’s easier. The challenge for follows is once they’ve learned enough to be dangerous and have to learn how to actually follow what the guy’s leading, not what they assume the guy’s about to lead or think he ought to lead. That seems to both cheer the guys up and make the ladies think a little!
7 Amberlynn // Mar 19, 2008 at 8:08 am
Bernadette, exactly.
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